The Real Reason Building Community Feels So Hard

In order to turn connection into real community we need relational intelligence: it’s a skill we can all learn.

We talk a lot about community. We all do our best to cultivate it, from social circles and Slack groups to block parties and yoga retreats. And while we may show up for these events, we may still leave feeling like real community is still out of reach. We may feel seen but not fully known. We may be surrounded by like-minded people, yet somehow still alone.

We’ve been sold the myth that community is something we simply find. In truth, real community is something we practice. And it requires a kind of intelligence most of us were never taught: relational intelligence.

As it turns out, this might be one of the most important longevity tools we have.

Longevity Science Points to Connection Needs

Study after study affirms it: strong social ties are a predictor of a longer, healthier life.

The nearly 85-year-long Harvard Study of Adult Development found that the greatest predictor of happiness and health wasn’t cholesterol levels or career success; it was the quality of relationships. As study director Dr. Robert Waldinger puts it: “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”

Research from psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad found that loneliness and weak social connections can increase the risk of premature death to levels comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

But here’s the catch: simply being around people isn’t the same as being in connection with them.

Why Our Moments of Connection Can Feel Hollow

In a hyper-connected world, it’s surprisingly easy to feel emotionally isolated. We show up at gatherings, but we don’t always know how to bring our full selves. We value independence over interdependence. We mistake performance for presence.

Psychotherapist Esther Perel says it plainly: “Modern loneliness kind of masks itself as hyper-connectivity, where you can have a thousand virtual friends and no one to feed you cat.”

“Modern loneliness kind of masks itself as hyper-connectivity, where you can have a thousand virtual friends and no one to feed you cat” ~ Esther Perel

The truth is, community isn’t created through proximity or shared interests alone. It’s built on a foundation of relational intelligence: our ability to attune to others, manage conflict, repair misattunements, and stay present in the face of discomfort.

What Is Relational Intelligence?

At its core, relational intelligence is the capacity to navigate the emotional landscape of human connection with curiosity, presence, and care.

According to Perel: “Relational intelligence is about how you connect. It’s about how you establish trust, how you overcome betrayal, how you either engage or avoid conflict. It’s how you manage these interactions and the interpersonal relationships you have with other people.”

Relational intelligence is made up of skills like:

• Emotional regulation
  
• Active listening
  
• Perspective-taking
  
• Conflict repair
  
• Boundaries and vulnerability

In other words, it’s the opposite of ghosting. It’s the art of staying in the room.

Why We’re Not Taught This and Why We Need It Now

Many of us grew up in systems that rewarded achievement over emotional presence. Schools and workplaces prize productivity over relationships and repair. Social media reinforces performative intimacy rather than mutual growth. Relational intelligence is rarely modeled, let alone taught. And without it, our efforts to “build community” can feel frustrating, even futile.

Famed clinical psychologist Dr. John Gottman says an essential to all healthy relationships is the “rupture-repair cycle,” yet it’s something that’s often missing from adult interactions.

“Repair is the act of going back to a moment that felt bad, taking ownership over your part, and stating what you would do differently,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Rebecca Kennedy. “When we repair after conflict, we help the other person tell a story that strengthens the relationship, rather than one that erodes it. It’s a powerful reminder that we are sturdy enough to hold both connection and accountability.”

Without these tools, we avoid hard conversations, ghost people when things get tense, or pretend everything’s fine while quietly drifting away.

Practicing Relational Intelligence (Even If You’ve Never Seen It Modeled)

Here’s the good news: relational intelligence is a practice, not a personality trait. You don’t have to be the “empath friend” or a trained therapist to grow it. You just need a willingness to try.

1. Get good at micro-repairs
Say, “Hey, I noticed some tension last night. Want to talk about it?” It’s awkward. And powerful.

2. Choose curiosity over control
When someone shares something, instead of offering advice, ask: “What do you need right now?” Or simply say, “Tell me more.”

3. Learn to self-regulate before you co-regulate
In moments of conflict, pause before reacting. A breath can change the trajectory of a moment of connection.

4. Practice presence
Put down your phone. Make eye contact. Let silence hang. Real connection lives in the in-between.

5. Create gatherings that foster belonging, not performance
As Priya Parker writes in The Art of Gathering: “The gatherings in our lives are lackluster and unproductive and they don’t have to be.”

Longevity isn’t just about what we eat or how we move. It’s also about how we relate. And in a world that makes disconnection so easy, creating true community becomes a radical act of care.

We don’t need to be perfect at this. We just need to be willing. To practice. To repair. To ask better questions. To stay in the room a little longer than we normally would. Because maybe the most powerful wellness practice of all is the one that happens between us.

What are some ways you practice relational intelligence? Write and tell us.